Do you believe there is an art to listening?

So many of us believe that we are actually hearing and processing what is being said to us, however, for many of us that is just not the truth. 

We hear the persons voice and as they continue to talk we start to form answers in our brain, hence we are now missing out on what is actually being said. 

In relationships a high percentage of problems comes from the reason that we just don’t actively listen to what our partner is saying.  Hence if we are only hearing a small portion of what is being said, how much of it is our interpretation of what is being said. 

We cannot listen and form an answer at the same time, we believe truly that we do listen, but the simple truth is we do not know how to actually listen to what is being said, we catch onto little bits and then form our own interpretation.

We often reply to the feelings we receive by those said words. 

For example when your partner is late home for dinner we hear the first line, maybe it would be “I just can’t leave my work half way through…..” 

Now their work maybe that of a Doctor or Dentist, but during this first sentence we may form the answer, “no of course not, everyone else is far more important that I am” we have not heard what our partner has actually said, we have formed our own opinion on the fact that our partner is maybe grumpy that we should have felt anger at our being late. 

We may have by now thought of all the things that our partner should have done, whilst our partner is thinking of all the things we should have thought of.

If we had taken the time to listen a row could have been avoided, perhaps an apology given and accepted gracefully and an enjoyable meal is shared. 

Although I have heard many a beautiful meal has landed on the back of a door or worse!!!!

So how do we develop active listening skills? 

We learn to stay silent and listen, not asking questions or telling them what they should have done, but by simply reflecting back what they have said. 

When we have this verified as being correct, then we can answer allowing time for our partner to reflect what we have said.

I sometimes get my clients to hold a wooden spoon and the other is not allowed to speak when they hold the spoon, after they have finished, we are given the spoon and repeat back what we have been told to ensure we have it correct. 

By using this technique as a game can also be helpful and if it is not fact we are dealing with where feelings are involved then we can see the funny side of what is being interpreted. 

Active listening is basically asking no questions, merely repeating what we have heard and made sure we have heard it correctly or that they have conveyed the message they wanted to. 

Once you have mastered the art of active listening it allows each person to feel understood and even to go deeper into their reasoning.

Have a practice and you may be surprised just how much we miss out on what is being said to us.  When anger is at the wheel there is no room for reason!

Practice makes perfect.  Have a go.  It could save a partnership that was once a happy relationship, just by listening.

If you'd like to have a chat, contact Yvette or call on 0411 407149