So many clients come to me with childhood events that have traumatised them, and they are not even aware of how this happened. This is not unusual, for example some people may have an unexplained irratitional fear of something that they do not have any knowledge as to how that fear either started or began. However, quite often it is something that has been said to them during childhood and up to the age or around 8 or 9 whatever an adult or person in authority tells us we swallow whole as being the absolute truth. It may be something our parent has said as a joke, and I will share with you something my Mother said as a joke when I was a child, that I had a small lump on one of my ears, and she said that meant I was born to be hung. You have no idea how many nights I lay awake terrified of being hung and trying to think of how it would feel and what could I do to stop it.
How often do you see a child crying in a group and the mother or father say "What is wrong with you, all the other children are having a good time, What is wrong with you. BEWARE they believe this wholly and grow up thinking that they are different and that there is something wrong or different about them..
Some children are never actually told they are loved by their parents, and som!e parents just don't know how to show love. Perhaps as children themselves they were not shown love, or had abusive parents, or had parents with a big family and no time. It does not mean they did not love their children, they just did not know how to show love.
I can hear you say, of course they know we love them, but do they? When our children do something that makes us really angry with them, we don't stop to say I love you but am angry with you. No of course not, that would be far too hard, however I do ask that you at some time sit down with your children and tell them that although we sometimes do not like their behaviour, or we are angry with them, that no matter what we do love them unconditionally. We might not like them, but we do not stop loving them.
It is not the presents you buy your children, or the parties you give them, or the opportunities that we give them, that shows our love. It may make them happy and feel loved then, but it is being told that we are deserving of love, and even that sometimes as parents we may not feel able to show it, but no matter what, we love them unconditionally.
If a child has unconditional love, they have self love, and this helps form a well balanced adult
So I am asking you when you give them something, give it with love and not with strings attached. We all have expectations of what we would like our children to grow up to be, but quite often this is not what they choose for themselves, and we have to be prepared to be open to their ideas and to discuss things openly with them without guilt, or our own disappointment in their choices coming into play.
If you can learn to listen to your children and talk to them and not at them, then they will come to you for advice, and if you don't know the answer then tell them you don't and help them to find someone who may be able to help.
It is never too late to start showing love.
and before I finish please spend a little time loving yourself - you are so worth it.
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