High Functioning Anxiety

Most people know how it is to be anxious about many things, including thunder storms, flying, doing a presentation, examinations, to dentists or doctors, and much more, but we are not aware of those people who are not anxious about speaking in public, doing a presentation, standing in front of 3,000 and giving a talk, appearing to be confident, and so at ease, nothing worries them about being on stage, but some of these people suffer from high functioning anxiety.

I can hear you asking, what is high functioning anxiety? 

On You Tube you can find high functioning anxiety described by Jordan Raskopoulos, a comedian who suffers from high functioning anxiety, and although this is humorous to watch it is also very true, and explains very clearly how high functioning anxiety can be a hidden anxiety that we don’t notice in others.

For example, when I am partying with a few close friends I can be relaxed and the life and soul of the party, but take me to somewhere I have not been and where there are many new people and I am the one who is sat in the corner, trying not to be noticed. 

Why, because it is one of the symptoms of high functioning anxiety. 

When out with friends and they arrange to go somewhere new or do something new I will put my hand up to say yeah! 

Immediately I have done this I start to think of ways to get out of going, i.e. migraine, flu, unexpected company coming, husband has arranged something else, twisted my ankle, etc., etc. 

About me:

As a child I was terrified of other children, and every year my father would insist that I had a birthday party, as he had never had one and did not want me to miss out. 

It would result in all the children being outside in the garden playing with my new toys and me standing indoors watching them through the window. 

My first day at school was an absolute nightmare. 

I found a cupboard and when no one was looking I stepped inside and stayed there until a teacher found me. 

Playtime was an even bigger nightmare, crowds of children all running around the playground and me, hanging onto a large hook that held the doors back, praying that no one would notice me or come up to me. 

This did not change throughout my junior school years. 

I made only one friend during this time, who was a girl who was poor and I remember asking her to my house and gave her one of my dolls. 

She was so happy, and I felt happy to have done so. 

Needless to say that relationship was short lived. 

Exams in senior school, were an absolute nightmare too. 

So many children in a hall with exams papers in front of them face down and then the teacher would say “you may start” and I would turn the paper over and the first question was Name……… I sat for three hours desperately trying to remember my name.

I don’t think there was anything that I was not afraid of. 

Most fearful of all was my Mothers reaction to things. 

As I grew older I learnt the art of lying. 

I would weigh up the options. 

If I told my mother she may well get really angry and lash out, or should I take the option of a lie, and risk being found out. 

Very often I would choose the second option. 

Having said that I never knew how my mother would react to anything. 

Sometimes she would be all sympathy and love and others she would be absolutely furious and strike out. 

She did love me, too much really, she wanted me to be the best in everything and in particular to be much better than the girl next door, which I did not achieve. 

She had parents that would sit with her and calmly help her with homework, I used to do my homework on the bus coming or going to school so I did not have to bring books out in front of my Mother, and risk her wanting to help me, which ended up with her loosing her temper because I could not remember something that she had just told me. 

She once decided to help me with English, and a book was purchased by her showing Nouns, Pronouns, Adverbs, Adjectives etc and she would teach me and my fear alone of getting something wrong would kick in and ended up by her loosing her temper with me. 

Needless to say, I still have difficulty in knowing the meaning of an adjective!

Much later in life I moved away from home and meet two Israeli girls who were belly dancers. 

I was fascinated and loved dance, and they taught me to belly dance and one day I was asked to dance for one of them who was unwell, I was terrified but once I got on stage a new person developed and I loved the music and the audience held no fear for me. 

Much of my working life I have been a consultant to medical specialists, who held no fear for me either (as my mother was afraid of doctors, I became the knight in shining armour and was not). 

I learnt that when I put a certain mask on I could be someone else and do amazing things, never fearful to being in front of an audience when on stage, could give talks to hundreds of people and dance in front of a thousand people on stage with no nerves at all.

So why was this? 

Much, much later in life I realised that I suffered both from everyday anxiety about everything, but never when I had one of my many masks on. 

The only mask I did not have was one for my Mother.

After watching a YouTube by Jordon Raskopoulos on High Functioning Anxiety I could relate to this in so many ways and felt I understood him so well, as this was how I would react. 

So now at the age of 73 I understood what it was, but still have not addressed it. 

I wonder why??????